Being Processed — Krishnamurti Pt 2: A Hidden Tale of a Trauma Poster Child
Being Processed — Krishnamurti Pt 2: A Hidden Tale of a Trauma Poster Child
“Reality Is Not Truth”*
Intro To Part 2 Krishnamurti And Guy, With Mara And a Wormy Tale Of Tiny Synchronicities
I’m not sure where to begin. The beginning is murky, a melange of my personal past and present. And as has been happening since beginning this exploration of Krishnamurti, I continue to experience strong bodily reactions. In the morning, following an unusually long and what felt to be a restful sleep, I began to yawn and feel my limbs become weak and heavy as soon as I physically sat to write. Earlier, when I was happily thinking about what to write, I did not notice any affects on my energy. Later in the afternoon, shortly after taking a deep breath and starting to use fingers, and not just my brain, to write Krishnamurti Pt2, I again suddenly found myself completely enervated when a few minutes earlier I felt fine. I wrote for a couple of hours. After supper, during my twenty minute walk home, I felt that this body had become a dead weight that I was lugging reluctantly up the mountainside. And very unusually my body felt a deep sharp pain digging into my right leg above the ankle. And somehow I could tell that that strong pain was being initiated by some kind of weird drag or inertia originating in my hip, the very hip that has been in chronic pain since 2020. Except that on that night there wasn’t any pain in the hip! It was all in the lower leg.
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When I got home it was all I could do to put the few groceries away before I fell into bed around 6:30pm to wake six hours later. I felt refreshed and ready to go. And this has become something of a repeating pattern, expressing a latent samskara or stickiness within me.
Krishnamurti is touching something very deep in my somatic experience that is resisting the exploration. Even getting here, to write this now, has been a rather arduous task, one in which the thought of writing feels like it will be wonderful. And I have a clear image in my imagination of what great ways I am going to express my Self. And then when I actually move my body towards the keyboard there is this bodily resistance.
As I reflected on these feelings it came to mind that this is eerily similar to what I experienced in a childhood dream around nine years old. In the dream I was leaving the family home, escaping some kind of danger, by rushing to the road in front of the house and then along the road. It quickly became full of molasses and I was feeling a kind of panic as the molasses was slowing down my escape from something indistinct. Moving became an arduous slow movement to nowhere fast. And then the molasses began to melt and I turned to see that I was being rescued from it, and the unknown threat that had been chasing me, by a beautiful black princess goddess four or five times bigger than human. The experience of peace and safety was incredible!
When I re-edited the above description of the experience of my young dream-self being rescued and coming into the goddess’s protection, another tiny synchronicity chimed inside of me. (Sometimes it isn’t the size of the synchronicity that counts, it is the frequency and cluster.) Yesterday when I listened to a Michael Stone podcast I heard him talk about something I haven’t heard about since I don’t remember when. Maybe from my teens in my time served with the Spiritualist Church. Stone shares that the Tibetan Buddhist “Lojong Teachings” include in that practice the need for some kind of emotional/ psychological/ spiritual protection. He stressed that that was distinct from the west’s psychological and social practices of creating safe spaces and having respect for differences, etc. He describes his personal practice of protecting himself, particularly in the first one or two days of a long retreat that he’s leading. He visualises being wrapped inside an Ikea paper lamp made into a cocoon. How is that a synchronicity? The black princess goddess felt like a protector to me, and actually, I still feel her protection to this day. And Yoshiko sent me a photo and movie of her friend’s silk worms creating a cocoon within a day of that podcast.
And in my previous Krishnamurti essay,
I wrote “‘Truth is a pathless land’ becomes true once the ‘truth’ has been realised because the path can now be discarded like an empty cocoon.” (~22:24 “Training Your Heart (Lojong Teachings #5)” or on Apple podcast.
Side Note
Yoshiko taught me that the style of the ‘paper’ Ikea lamps that Michael referred to are modelled after a very famous Japanese-American designer and artist, Isamu Noguchi, who called his design ‘Akari’ which is Japanese for ‘light as illumination’.
Nose-Picking! Again? And Other Distractions
And then when I actually physically took action and sat, actually sat in front of the computer, I found myself distracted by a, until that moment unnoticed, discomfort in my nose that required a concentrated fingering. I heard my ‘mind’ telling me that drilling up and in will ultimately make it even more uncomfortable. With effort I ceased probing for… whatever it is that is up there.
And there, in the nose, is a woeful tale that begins with the foul smell of rhinoplasty! And a baby-finger defence of obsessive nose-picking. Way way back, back when I was still somewhat, although not totally, innocent to allopathic medicine as a pernicious mechanism that creates more poor health than good health, I had surgery to ‘fix’ a deviated septum. This was a bad, very bad action I took without doing any research. I remember feeling that I had the courage my father didn’t have to get the surgery, because he also ‘suffered’ from that condition. Anyway, my sinuses became infected after the surgery and because the infection was misdiagnosed, I was actually moribund until I went outside of allopathy. And then, I discovered that the cartilage was in some way damaged and a small wing of it grows out into my nasal passage and, with an accumulation of dried snot that I believe is overly created because of the scarring done during the surgery, creates a kind of difficult to clear blockage that becomes very uncomfortable. And that level of discomfort is exacerbated when I am wrestling with trauma, and the physically damaged nasal passage and sinuses often take it on the nose when I am triggered in some way. Krishnamurti has been very triggering and my nose has really taken a beating. (PS: Afterwards I learned that that particular surgery really damages some important nerves and is 100% failure. The deviated septum always returns. Which it did for me, within two or three years, around 1995. In 2015, after about a year of daily yoga and meditation, the deviated septum went away on its own.)
Also, about four days ago a small white pimple-like bump came up on my right upper arm. I haven’t seen one of them in at least 10 years, I would guess. I thought to myself, ‘How odd! What the heck is that doing there?’ And then I realised that that goes straight back to Terry, mother, who was constantly picking them off her arms. And that had become a habit that I had with me for many many years after leaving the family. And while exploring Terry, my sister pointed out something I had completely forgotten: Terry would pick zits and bumps off my skin, despite my dislike of what felt like a shaming practice. Was it just ‘chance’ that this popped up on my arm at a time I am writing about ‘mother’ and Krishnamurti, who has become a kind of weird stand-in for her? Hmmmm.
And Mara continues to be present by enticing me with the all important — right! — email and responding to that. Not to be left out is the hope of finding in my inbox a subject header to a great substack essay from a favourite or important writer. Then it quickly becomes time for more coffee. The music isn’t right and time to change it, maybe try something or someone new to find a good fit for this essay. Ahhh, the sweet joy of editing an old tweakable essay. OMG! And of course, along the way, at least from time-to-time, I have moments of being totally aware that these and more arisings take me away from this discomfort of … something.
So here are some of my many many masks that certain people would say represent a tiny complement of the foot soldiers of Mara, which has been anthropomorphised by commentators when referring to the mind and body distractions that Gautama faced in the path of his ‘enlightenment’. He set a very high bar by responding to each soldier with words of peace and compassion, ‘I see you.’ He remained equanimous at all times, and upon being truly seen, unflinchingly seen, Mara’s soldiers lost their power, and dissipated into the ether as the nothing they truthfully are.
What Is It About The Body? This Annoying, Distracting, Hurting, Best Forgotten Frustrating Body?
And with that, I will go back to basics. The body. We head-spaced-out humans, are filled with egoist delusions so important we would rather kill our bodies than change our ideas, ideologies, ideations or identity. We prefer to forget that it is this body that is alive. Well, we forget until the annoying thing below the chatter-filled brain-cavity breaks down, of course. That is it, to paraphrase Korean Zen monk Kusan Sunim.
It is our body that is alive, not our thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams or delusions. At the same time, those many of us who have been traumatised within and by this Stockholm Syndrome-afflicted and generating bully culture, often flip flop fly our bodies hither and yon, something like water dancing around a hot skillet. We look for anything and everything that will keep us disembodied — not experiencing life. Common distraction include food, TV, books, drugs and alcohol, YouTube, sex, gambling, yoga, shopping, preaching, meditation workshops, working, ad infinitum. (Yup, done many of those!)
We will do just about anything to keep our Selves from re-experiencing the near death of Self that comprised the traumatic experience or experiences. Trauma is an event of proximal death of self that occurred in the past that has not been processed by the entirety of who we are. The energy of the event, and the energy to keep the event from recurring and/or hurting us again, turns inward and is stored in the mind-body complex and becomes a fractal-like strange attractor that invisibly moves us through life, much like a puppet unconscious of the hand inside its shell.
It is when the trauma becomes an actual experience of mind and body that it can and will and does dissipate out of our mind-body system. To experience the event is, in effect, Gautama’s practice of vidya, the seeing, the really seeing, of what is actually there, ‘without any kind of self-deception or illusion’, with calmness, compassion and love.
In a recently listened to 2016 Michael Stone podcast, Stone, a psychologist-yogic-Buddhist-scholar-teacher, describes how a traumatising event is survived in the human animal with the process of ‘splitting’ or perhaps ‘splitting off’ that event. The removal of the event from direct experience at the time gave the body and/or mind enough space to survive the event and to continue living in a state of distraction and/or dissociation/disconnection. We humans quickly adapt to the schism and that state becomes our new normal, even though it has created a kind of weird dreaming nature to our lives. That state of ‘living’ has been described in some cases as looking at life as if it were a movie and we a mere anxious player with stage fright looking for the exits that will keep us safe or return us to safety. A prime, or perhaps even the single most important locus of our energy becomes avoidance of any situation that may recreate the trauma and/or how best to keep it from coming forward into our awareness. These are our addictive behaviours. Yogini and recovery Sensei Nikki Meyers of Y12SR calls this splitting off ‘the disease of the lost self.’ (“Mindful Breathing Part 4 (Anapanasati)” by Michael Stone)” ~34:30 my summary.)
So, What Has This Got To Do With Krishnamurti? By Synchronicity, A Lot! It Starts With Body Language
And, actually, maybe everything. The Krishnamurti synchronicities big and small, some I’ve shared here, are a part of the Universe-language that I have attended for years and with that experience I recognise when they are pointing towards something that is important. They don’t always, and sometimes are simply the Universe having a laugh, imo! And the frequency of synchronicities, and how many are directly affecting my body, is a key element behind why I am doing this Krishnamurti — keep it in the family — exploration.
Words may be mightier than the sword, and yet a thousand words may be of less worth than a single picture. His powerful 1928 speech ended the ‘religion’ the Theosophical Society created called ‘The Order of the Star in the East’. His cancellation of the OSE was something of shock or disappointment to the leaders of the Theosophical Society because they had picked and groomed Krishnamurti to lead it. So, with such powerful words, what would the Dorian Grey picture say, I wondered. And with that I went to YouTube to see Krishnamurti.
Where Is Oscar Wilde When He Could Have Helped? What Kind of Picture Did I See?
More or less at random from a YouTube search for Krishnamurti, I picked from the numerous recorded instructions he gave. I was surprised, perhaps even shocked, by what I saw, at least as much as what I was hearing. The second or third recording I watched was “Saanen 1976 Public Talk 7 When You Are A Light To Yourself You Are A Light To The World”. And I was actually shocked. In my Pt 1 essay, ‘Cutting the Ligaments” I discuss his words in some detail as containing some elements of truth that is completely undermined by their and his inherent hypocrisy and because he is, effectively, describing the dark shadow of life to people who are in it without helping them navigate their ways towards the pathless truth-scape he describes. See
It was his body language that triggered me even more than did his words. When I watched the Sanaan talk, above, I watched his tightly wound body, so tight that he could barely move. When he turned his head, at one point, I could see that he was so stiff in his neck and spine, that that turn required him to move his entire torso. And that was me!
That was how I did the shoulder check to change lanes because I couldn’t freely turn my head. (Yoga began to change that in 2015.) He takes off a sweater at one point, and again, that was my body moving uncomfortably. And the manner he has of holding and moving his hands. How he squeezes his legs together, like a child struggling to hold in his pee. That was me too!
And so, I paused to ponder
He is lacking all joy! I’ve been there, too, done that. I remember very clearly the first time I began to feel joy in early 2014. It took me a few weeks to figure out what that feeling was. (It, joy, also puzzled my brother-in-law and so we talked about joy on his podcast: “The Liminalist # 49: Letting the Trickster In (with Guy Duperreault).”
And the few ‘real’ gurus I’ve encountered in person or via media are usually calm and sit very very still with infrequent movements that when they do move are easy, relaxed and graceful. And they are usually joyful. And I remember clearly, before my own discovery of living joyfully, that I was really put off by the Dalai Lama’s ubiquitous smile!
And that got me puzzling, too. If I were struggling with being alive, why would I go to Krishnamurti looking to live a ‘happy’ life when his demeanour and words are clearly one of discomfort if not outright suffering?
The Shared Pathless Landscape that is Living the Trauma Trance Dream
And then it hit me. He was living with trauma still residing in his mind-body! His body was what my body once was! How did he get traumatised? I wondered. My thoughts/ intuition turned to the Theosophical Society, of which I had a tiny bit of knowledge and remembered that it had something to do with the occult. They grabbed, I mean recruited, Krishnamurti when he was fourteen. OMG! I thought. He was traumatised by the someone or someones within the Theosophical Society. And with that I remembered something that my sister told me about spiritual or psychic abilities being initiated or enhanced with trauma. (And my ex, who was very highly traumatised in several ways, was one of the best channellers I have experienced and described many ‘psychic’ experiences in her childhood.) So I got up from the computer, and proceeded to do my own intuitive muscle-testing process, that I call Psyche-Somatic Resonance Awareness Process (PS-RAP).
And then what came to mind was something that Anneke Lucas said. Lucas is an amazing survivor of childhood satanic torture, sexual abuse and mind control. In an interview she described that her torturers had a very well practiced and sophisticated system of mind control that they use to develop or enhance the psychic abilities of children. They developed in her, she described, the ability to know what men really want, not what they say or think that they want. See ‘Epoché #003 - Anneke Lucas with Brecht Arnaert’, passim. Or her TED talk.
(The interview is four hours long, and one of the most powerful and worthwhile dialogues I have ever experienced. It is a critically important discussion that broadens our understanding of the truth of some of the deep shadows that underscore and undermine our society.)
Around that time, perhaps the next day, another odd Krishnamurti-related synchronicity. I went into my emails, as I do regularly. And the subject of one of my trusted sources caught my attention. I get over fifty emails a day, often, and so I do not visit even a small percentage of my sources. And Peers ‘I Want to Know’ is one that I visit typically every few months or so. This is what I read:
The email-article began with a brief discussion about recently released secret papers confirming that the CIA’s MK-Ultra program had looked at how to create human ‘puppet’ assassins using mind control, and that they had success doing that. They cite two young women as examples. See ”Mind Control Summary: The Secrets of Mind Control”
The article was interesting because it provided additional details to the awareness I already had of MK-ULTRA. And then my jaw dropped when I read the following, on hypnosis:
By the 1920's clinical hypnotists learned to split certain individuals into multiple personalities like Jeckyl-Hydes. During WWII, I worked this technique with a Marine lieutenant I'll call Jones. I split his personality into Jones A and Jones B. Jones A, once a 'normal' working Marine, became entirely different. He talked communist doctrine and meant it. He was welcomed enthusiastically by communist cells, and was deliberately given a dishonourable discharge. Jones B was the deeper personality, knew all the thoughts of Jones A, and was 'imprinted' to say nothing during conscious phases. All I had to do was hypnotise him, get in touch with Jones B, and I had a pipeline straight into the Communist camp (“Hypnosis Comes of Age” by G. H. Estabrooks, Ph.D. Science Digest, April 1971, pp. 44-50 my emphasis.)
So, I had recently listened to Michael Stone talking about how trauma can create splitting off in the mind-body dynamic. Next I was reading about hypnosis experiments being done in the 1920s to split people’s personalities. All at a time when I’m considering that Krishnamurti had in some way been traumatised.
Back to Words and Jason’s Split Identity
I looked on-line for Krishnamurtis Notebook. I read this:
A word is needed to explain one of the terms used in it — “the process". In 1922, at the age of twenty-eight, Krishnamurti underwent a spiritual experience that changed his life and which was followed by years of acute and almost continuous pain in his head and spine. The manuscript shows that "the process", as he called this mysterious pain, was still going on nearly forty years later, though in a much milder form (from the ‘Introduction’, Krishnamurtis Notebook by J. Krishnamurti.)
“Process”? That I have not heard being associated with anything related to a spiritual awakening or expansion of awareness. Not that I’ve heard even more than a tiny fraction of ‘enlightenment’ descriptions. What did come to mind was the movie series based on the Bourne Identity books
"Discovery" of Jiddu Krishnamurti by Charles Webster Leadbeater of the Theosophical Society
Sometime between late April and late May 1909, at the private beach of the Theosophical Society Headquarters in Adyar, Madras (Chennai), CW Leadbeater encountered J Krishnamurti, a fourteen-year-old South Indian Brahmin. At the time Jiddu Narayaniah, Krishnamurti's father and longtime Theosophist, was employed by the Society; the family, in poor condition, lived next to the compound. Leadbeater was a controversial figure whose knowledge on occult matters was highly respected by the Society's leadership. He came to believe young Krishnamurti was a suitable candidate for the vehicle of the World Teacher – despite the boy's reputedly dull personality and lackluster intellect. Leadbeater soon placed Krishnamurti, and at the latter's insistence his inseparable younger brother Jiddu Nityananda ("Nitya"), under his and the Society's wing; in late 1909 Besant, as President of the Society and head of its Esoteric Section, admitted the Jiddu brothers into both. In March 1910 she became their legal guardian (“Order of the Star in the East” Wikipedia my emphasis.)
What Was Leadbeater, Really, to the Young Jiddu Krishnamurti?
And with the help of my brother-in-law, who pointed me towards the ‘controversial’ Leadbeater, I learned that he is actually a blot on the planet. And to the Theosophical Society. I had wondered why, in the somewhat limited research I did, that the Theosophical Society wasn’t more shocked or outraged by Krishnamurti’s public denouncement of them and their plans. It is because they had knowingly colluded, by keeping silent at the time, with the long time sexual abuse of boys and that that abuse undoubtedly included Krishnamurti, who had been chosen and elevated by Leadbeater despite Krishnamurti being perceived by the society as a “dull personality and [having a] lackluster intellect”
As for Krishnamurti, the Indian philosopher whom Leadbeater “discovered” on the beach at Madras in 1909, and trained intensely for many years to play the role of Vehicle for the Coming Christ, and who rejected the role as defined by Leadbeater, he rejects him completely. In December, 1976, at a gathering of friends in India, including Dick Balfour-Clarke, Krishnamurti was asked to accept the sincerity of all those who worked closely with him in preparation for the Coming – Annie Besant, Leadbeater, Arundale, Jinarajadasa and Wedgwood. He replied sternly: “The only sincere one was Mrs Besant.” To Mary Lutyens, when told about The Elder Brother, and asked for his comments, [Krishnamurti] said simply: “Leadbeater was evil”, and refused to discuss the matter further, beyond the comment that he found even thinking about Leadbeater, or hearing his name, distasteful (“The Case against C. W. Leadbeater: A Note”, citing Gregory Tillett, “Charles Webster Leadbeater: A Biographical Study” p. 73-74 – leadbeater.org. My emphasis.)
And so Krishnamurti spent about nine years under the ‘mentorship’ of Leadbeater, who was respected in matters of the occult and has written many books. And who had a long history of having the smell of sexually abusing boys around the world. That history was brushed under the carpet by the Theosophical Society. (And that history has been memory-holed from the ‘trustworthy’ Wikipedia’s biography on him that manages to suggest that Leadbeater was actually a victim of sexual prudery by society for having recommended that boys masturbate to relieve sexual tension.)
The Theosophy webpage, primarily cites Tillet’s biography extensively with details of many examples of Leadbeater’s sexual misconduct against boys. On several occasions Leadbeater’s behaviour came to the attention of the police. So why wasn’t he arrested? Perhaps because the boys had been “processed” by someone using something hypnotic from the occult.
The general opinion of the police seems to have been that, whilst there could be little doubt that there was a sexual relationship between Leadbeater and at least some of his boys, it would have been virtually impossible to prove the matter in court, given the unquestioning loyalty and devotion of the boys for their teacher, and their belief that whatever he did was motivated by spiritual or occult principles (“The Case against C. W. Leadbeater: A Note” citing Gregory Tillett, “Charles Webster Leadbeater: A Biographical Study” p. 671-679 – leadbeater.org.)
For much much more on the miso-ped occult expert CW Leadbeater and his relationship to the early days and development of the Theosophical Society and boys, you can go to the Theosophy webpage, “The Case against C. W. Leadbeater: A Note”. Or go to their primary source, The Elder Brother: A Biography of Charles Webster Leadbeater.)
Nāgārjuna Founder of Mahayana Buddhism, on Language and an Embodied Life
Much of Verses from the Center consists of Nāgārjuna’s insistent, probing inquiry into life and language. He subjects things and words to a relentless scrutiny, considering them from different angles, in different lights, constantly teasing out their contingency. Toward the end of the work, in the poem Awakening, he announces that "contingency is emptiness." To recognise that things are contingent is the key to understanding what it means for them to be empty. A self, a plant, a body or a time is empty because it is incapable of being neatly circumscribed as a thing cut off from other things. Selves, plants, bodies and times are utterly contingent on the complex interplay of conditions, attributes and language with which they are not identical and from which they are not different. To know emptiness is not to negate these things but to be dumbfounded by the sheer fecundity of life (p60-1 Verses from the Center: A Buddhist Vision of the Sublime by Nāgārjuna, translated with commentary by Stephen Batchelor.)
How to End This? Vidya, To See Unflinchingly That Reality is Truth
I find myself completely stumped on how to finish this. In part because the process of healing from trauma is a long one. Spending time with Krishnamurti has brought up from my depths lots of shit. Thank you Krishnamurti. I will do my best, going forward, healing my own trauma so as to reduce the world’s suffering and to end debting it forward.
Earlier I suggested that I wouldn’t be interested in going to you to figure out how to become happier in life. You are very clearly not someone with the experience of it to help anyone. So then why have your talks and words been popular? Likely for the same reason I spent thirty-seven years in a toxic relationship: shared trauma. My partner and I had been badly traumatised and that trauma gave us a common bond. The crowds who attended your words I suspect may have been similarly traumatised in some way. Not necessarily sexually. I mean with a similar degree of split or disconnection. Of course, that is pure speculation on my part. I don’t remember having been sexually assaulted, myself, although I have very few memories of childhood.
And so, Krishnamurti, I will conclude with my heartfelt gratitude for you having come into my life at this time, to assist me in the clearing out of my family trauma, especially that coming from Terry. Another synchronicity? You came into my life at the exact same time I directly addressed for the first time with an essay-letter, my dead mother. And you came just before I started to write the next one, which is going to be about the hurtful sexual energy and practices that filled our childhood.
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All the best with what is changing. Everything changes. Peace, respect, love and exuberant joy.
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Song of the Essay: Peter Gabriel — Game Without Frontiers.
[Intro] “A one… two… one, two, four…” [Refrain: Kate Bush] Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières [Verse 1: Peter Gabriel] Hans plays with Lotte, Lotte plays with Jane Jane plays with Willi, Willi is happy again Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt Adolf builds a bonfire, Enrico plays with it [Pre-Chorus: Peter Gabriel] Whistling tunes, we hide in the dunes by the seaside Whistling tunes, we're kissing baboons in the jungle It's a knockout [Chorus: Peter Gabriel] If looks could kill, they probably will In games without frontiers, war without tears If looks could kill, they probably will In games without frontiers, war without tears Games without frontiers, war without tears [Refrain: Kate Bush] Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières [Verse 2: Peter Gabriel] Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games Hiding out in treetops, shouting out rude names [Pre-Chorus: Peter Gabriel] Whistling tunes, we hide in the dunes by the seaside Whistling tunes, we piss on the goons in the jungle It's a knockout [Chorus: Peter Gabriel] If looks could kill, they probably will In games without frontiers, war without tears If looks could kill, they probably will In games without frontiers, war without tears Games without frontiers, war without tears [Refrain: Kate Bush] Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans frontières Jeux sans…
" This was a bad, very bad action I took without doing any research. I remember feeling that I had the courage my father didn’t have to get the surgery, because he also ‘suffered’ from that condition. Anyway, my sinuses became infected after the surgery and because the infection was misdiagnosed, I was actually moribund until I went outside of allopathy. And then, I discovered that the cartilage was in some way damaged" ---- This extreme incompetence of doctors needs to be discussed. They actually have no idea of what they are doing. As if they are sleepwalkers or something, wandering around in the hospital pretending they have some clue what is going on and that they are professionals. So, I just mentioned it, maybe others could discuss as well.
Guy, you are going to the heart and being so vulnerable. It feels valuable, not just for you personally, but for this healing of all of our collective trauma.