Spiritual Rebirth After a Surgery Bottoms Me Out in Two Ways

A Request for Monetary Help

Shadow Work and a Surgery to Pace the Heart; Where Did the Memories Go?

Music: Dark Dark Dark - Bright Bright Bright.

In my recent essay,

A Faint-Hearted Overture

Confessions Of Falling Down Dizzy With Health And Other Ego-Expectations,

I examined, and tentatively answered, why I went from easily pacing a mountain climbing 21 year old in December 2023 — who at one point turned to me and asked ‘How old are you?’ — to pacemaker surgery in July 2024 for bradycardia, slow heart beat.

That became a deep shadow/spiritual exploration of my own blindness to ego-expectations and the deepest roots of a lifetime of extreme co-dependency that had been squeezing my heart. The exploration began after I woke up in a hospital’s emergency room on a Monday to someone using a scalpel to cut a tiny incision into a vein in my chest in order to fit me with the leads of a temporary pacemaker. Later I was to discover that I had lost my memory of the previous four days of my existence. I have no memory of how I got to a hospital.

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Images of Oaxaca. Music: Andrew Bird — Ellipses.

And I was to learn further that I had put my partner through extreme traumatising hell in those four lost days! I had fainted several times, fell into a coma-like ‘sleep’ from which I could not be roused. I stopped breathing several times to which she gave me mouth-to-mouth. I pissed my pants several times and shit them once. Her and my friends’ slowness to send me to emergency was in part because I’m not ‘properly’ a resident here in México because my application as a refugee is still being reviewed. And mostly because, I was to learn much later, that in the time of my having no memory I (who was that ‘I’ I now wonder?) was lucid, coherent and didn’t give them the okay for a hospital visit until the Monday morning. 

Note: The hospital staff and facilities here in Oaxaca were excellent and beautifully human.

Four days later I left the hospital with a new pacemaker and new friends and a returned ease in walking.

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Voilà, Just Like That With the Zip of a Scalpel I’m Financially Insolvent 

And I left the hospital with having had my small savings account cleaned out and my owing someone a significant amount of money. The hospital and surgery costs were very low, compared to those north of the Mexican border, and yet big enough to require all of what remained of my savings and significantly more. Those savings were to have kept me going until I get residency here. Residency allows me to earn income which was to supplement those savings and the tiny net pension I receive until I am released from the legal bindings of an onerous alimony that changes in early 2026 when I turn 65.

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Supplication

I am looking for $12,000 to cover my day-to-day expenses of food, water and rent, follow-up medical expenses for several months and to repay the owed money that helped me to cover the balance of the hospital costs and my August and September living costs. I estimate that that will be sufficient to cover my expenses and repay what I owe until I am able to legally earn an income here. To that end I have developed a yoga-retreat centre focused on healing childhood trauma with yoga, breath, meditation and diet, with both in-person and on-line courses and retreats. That is ready to go.

If you would like to help now, please donate whatever you joyfully can give using one of the methods below. (A little below that, for those interested, I add some details to the story of my post-job or jab rejection that became a spiritual pilgrimage that, astonishingly, took me into becoming a convid refugee in México and now an actual insolvent transhuman.)

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Music: David Lang, Sentieri Selvaggi Carlo Boccadoro — Child: II. Sweet Air.

🙏❤️🙏 This Whole Experience has Gifted me with Expanded Awareness and Spaciousness and Appreciation/Gratitude 🙏❤️🙏 

When I was faced with the reality of my financial situation — insolvency — I was doubly faced with the challenge of looking at it in the face with calmness, equanimity and tranquility. (Yes, to yoga! It is powerful!) What is the solution? Well, an obvious one might be — since I’m currently disallowed to earn money — to ask for help. What? Me?! ‘Yes, you, Guy. Are you so special?’ This has not been something done by me basically ever in any serious way — asking for help. Which is truly an example of unbalanced masculinity/humanity in action! Early this year a friend helped me to see that I had been carrying inside me since childhood, if not the womb, deep, debilitating and likely intergenerational money wounds. I did clearing/healing exercises that have been wonderful.

Those excellent exercise were supplemented or even topped off with being ‘struck’ at this very time of asking for help with an extraordinary money synchronicity. (Those of you less familiar with my writing may not know to the extent that synchronicity plays an integral/central place in my life.) This one came with absolutely the most perfect timing ever from the beautiful and audacious Kelly Brogan MD (one of the disinformation dozen early in the plandemic) whose podcast came into my email August 20th titled: ‘Shadow Money with the Money Shaman’:

Kelly Brogan Shadow Money. Music: The Drums — Money.

Their discussion about money is important in spiritual, practical and freeing ways. And it is somehow very uplifting.

I was also helped with my long lived study of the ancient book of wisdom, the I Ching:

When we are faced with an obstacle that is to be overcome, weakness and impatience can do nothing. Strong individuals stand up to this situation with equanimity, for their inner security enables the strong to endure to the end. This strength shows itself in uncompromising truthfulness with themselves. It is only when we have the courage to face things, other people and ourselves, exactly as they are without any sort of self deception or illusion, that we have the strength to see the light that develops out of events by which the path to success may be recognised. (I Ching 5 Hsu / Waiting (Nourishment). p.25 Baynes/Wilhelm; my edit.)

After an initial trepidation before going forward into this unknown territory, I now feel a deep appreciation and gratitude for having come to do this process. By asking for help from my communities, familial, friends, and collegial such as here, I’ve felt an incredible intimacy with you all as individuals in your various existences. The experience has brought forward with crystal clarity the many and various ways you have shared with me time and energy and life, in some cases in seemingly ‘big’ ways, in other cases seemingly ‘small’ ways, and in all cases important ways. Isn’t this the ‘true’ experiences and learnings in life? I have been powerfully uplifted by this, to see tangibly, the working of the Buddhist principle of dependent co-arising, how everything and everyone are connected to this mysterious and wonderful thing we call Life.

As I sat with this and cleared my resistances enough to be free enough to ask for help from the people who have been significant in my life across the whole spectrum of what ‘significant’ means, I had the deep realisation that money is one of our most powerful non-verbal intimacies. Hence my, and perhaps the ‘natural’ hesitation often felt around talking about how it's energy makes itself manifest in our own cores and hearts. I am not referring to the glib and easy talk about the ‘economics of money’ or ‘economies’ and its myriad solutions. And yet at the same time money is one of the human constructed energetic tools that is also intimately connected to our spirit so powerfully that it can and does heal each of us when used appropriately and well.

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If donating something ‘significant’ is beyond you at this time, then perhaps you would be happy to buy me a coffee by clicking on the coffee/matcha. With gratitude.

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For Those NOT Interested In A Bit More Of The ‘Gory’ Details And/Or Who Have Read My Early Travelogue Of Becoming A Refugee From Canada — Muchas Gracias y Hasta Luego

I deeply appreciate your presence in this life with me. You somehow found me in this giant substack world of truth seekers, regardless how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Finding me has created between us, between ‘strangers’, an intimacy of trust and intention with integrity that is changing the world. Each of us, at all times, is changing the world and have the choice to reduce suffering here and now where we breathe. All the best with what is changing. Everything changes. With peace, respect, love and exuberant joy.

🙏❤️🧘‍♂️❤️🙏

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mural de la ciudad de Oaxaca. Music Katie Melua — Wonderful Life.

For Those Interested In A Bit More Of The ‘Gory’ Details Of My Having Become A Refugee From Canada

I skip how my having stopped all news sources — TV, radio, papers, magazines, social media —  in 2016 protected me and my partner from the initial psychological terror assault and kept my partner and I safe from the convid. For us that was actually a peaceful time of a sort extended yoga retreat that came to a tumultuous end starting in the summer of 2021. (See my earliest substack essays for the convid years leading up to that: “Northward Ho. The Journey Begins”.) I and my partner acted on our choices guided by intuition that ‘directed’ us to leave Canada in early 2022.

In the summer of 2021 my body directed me to refuse to take the job-mandated convid injection. And her body rejected it as well. (Retired, she did not face an employment mandate.) By that time, because of our yoga practices, my partner and I had complete trust in our body’s energetic connection to spirit and wisdom. Wow! I hadn't seen that coming. Yet once I had let the job go — which was a huge deep yogic aparigraha (to let go of those things which no longer serve soul/spirit) — we couldn't afford to live in Canada. As a very rare single Japanese mother, my partner’s pension is miniscule.

By intuition we were initially guided to live in Nicaragua because it is so cheap. That became a powerful spiritual pilgrimage that, by continuing to follow our intuition and with an amazing series of synchronicities, directed us to remain in México. My partner doesn’t have Méxican residency and will very soon return to Japan. And I will return to living alone in a small one room cabaña on the side of a mountain in México outside the lovely city of Oaxaca. It has now been more than two years. I am deeply into learning Spanish and becoming a permanent and productive resident. I live comfortably and almost monk-like, surrounded by nature, farm animals, the sounds of birds, insects and dogs while I do yoga, breath, meditation and write. My mind and body and sense of place and joy in life all have been transformed as my practices continue to deepen and my awareness becomes more spacious. I anticipate opening my centre, perhaps in partnership with an amazing healer here. In recent months I've extended my yogic principles by looking into what Gautama Buddha taught versus what official Buddhism teaches that he taught. 

And the twists continued with this latest set of adventures: fainting on the street with bradycardia, something close to or perhaps even a form of near death experience to traumatise my partner, the memory loss of four days of this life, pacemaker and insolvency. I, and certainly this giant we of humanity, are living in interesting times, times that ask us in the strongest ways, to have the courage to see things, ourselves and others, exactly as they are in order for the light to develop out of events by which we will be able to recognise the paths that can sustainably reduced suffering.

And, as I wrote above, I deeply appreciate your presence in this life with me. You somehow found me in this giant substack world of truth seekers, regardless how uncomfortable it makes us feel. Finding me has created between us, between ‘strangers’, an intimacy of trust and intention with integrity that is changing the world. Each of us, at all times, is changing the world and have the choice to reduce suffering here and now where we breathe.

All the best with what is changing. Everything changes. With peace, respect, love and exuberant joy.

🙏❤️🧘‍♂️❤️🙏

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Objective is $12,000.
Donations as of 2024.10.06:

from Substack: ___$ 785

new subscription:__$ 130

from other sources:_$3171

_________total: $4086.

You can donate here an amount of your choice, as much as is comfortable and gives you joy. Or click a coffee cup to buy me a coffee.

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Song of the supplication 

Iggy Pop — Lust for Life

Iggy Pop — Lust for Life