Dear Terry: Epistle #2 To A Dead Mother
Dear Terry: Epistle #2 To A Dead Mother
Freud and Kinsey are Dead! I’ll Manga¶ Out the Inflated Penis’s Envy of Edie’s Puss§
¶Manga is a form of story telling by cartoon/comic in a way stylised by Japanese aesthetic sensibilities. It comes in various genres and for all age groups. Anime is moving manga. I intuited manga as somatic process to release the horrific pain out of my left shoulder. I created an 11-panel thumbnail story board, far less than ‘normal.’ See below.
§I am playing with Freud’s Theory of the ‘Oedipus Complex’ (Edie’s Puss) by borrowing David Payne’s pun from his brilliant exploration of Taoism through Money and the Dow Jones Index in Confessions of a Taoist on Wall Street. Oedipus Complex: Sigmund Freud Mother Theory is the idea that boys want to have sex with their mothers and then suppress that and so create a maelstrom of psychological torment in the sub-conscious. It really is actually a f**d idea with limited truth and viability and has, imo, had the effect of expanding suffering.
Everything is sex! So stop showing me the porn. Doh!
Who Were You? Asks One Version of A Chronic Nose-Picking Son
Dear Terry:
In my last epistle to you — also my first — already six months past, I began it by describing aches, pains, dripping picked nose, mosquitos, WhatsApp and discomfort as distraction. Well, my body and mind are much more composed in the few weeks I have been working into this epistle than the one way back then. Even the challenges with nose-picking have much improved. What has come up in the last three weeks has been extreme discomfort in my left shoulder, way way beyond what I’ve been feeling intermittently for about three years. That extreme began with manga thumbnails that I intuited as an alternative ‘medicine’ that would help remove the pain. And initially it ostensibly backfired because, once done to the best of my ability, the pain went through the roof. (See the end of the post for my version of ‘manga.’)
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Sex and the Near Death Experience?
This year, with my continued practices of body awareness and my expanded discoveries of some of the effects of childhood sexual trauma on the body, I came to the conclusion that you sexually assaulted me most likely when I was an infant or a very young child. My PS-RAP (Psyche-Somatic Resonance Awareness Process) confirms my inference. Note: I have no remembrance of that assault or assaults and so I am here simply stating what my body is telling me happened to me, without words. It is telling me of experiences bodily remembered. Less esoterically I now know that many of my experiences in my life and physical symptoms in my body are those of someone who has been sexually abused as a young child. (NB: Because of my eight years of developing and refining the PS-RAP I have confidence in its veracity: my experiences with PS-RAP confirm German psychologist Alice Miller’s (and others) assertion that The Body Never Lies. The PS-RAP in my life is a story for another day.)
I was surprised at this sexual discovery, although not stunned because of your absolute total 100% Freudian obsession with sex as the single most defining characteristic of the human condition. And with that the importance of ‘free’ sex often misnamed in the past as ‘love’ and I now realise that that includes adults raping children and infants! I was surprised because, in 1979 about 5 months before I left the family and shattered the delusion of you as the epitome of motherly perfection that you had crafted out of your children, you told me in what was perhaps a kind of confession that when I was an infant you had brought me into a state of death from which I was subsequently revived. Paraphrasing your words you gave me, as an infant, a Near Death Experience (NDE).
When you told me that, when I was 18 years old, I was not surprised at all. In fact I remember the feeling-response very clearly, which was ‘Ahhhhhh! Now I understand.’ I understood some of the bizarre wordless psychological dynamics I felt in our relationship. I have subsequently thanked you from afar for telling me that you had almost killed me because it undoubtedly helped me heal by supplying me with a big piece of the puzzle of my existential angst up to that time. I didn’t ask how because the ‘aha’ I felt was so strong that the thought of asking the question didn’t arise. You didn’t provide that detail, or the circumstances of your near miss. I have concluded by inference that most likely you suffocated me with a pillow or the like because of the very particular somatic responses I experience whenever I begin the practice of deeper pranayama exercises that involve extending the held out-breath. I have a kind of weird panic that comes up.
And with these two traumatic episodes — death and rape — now in full view early this year I expected that the discomfort in my shoulder and hip would go away. My right hip has been distressing me in exactly the same way as my left shoulder although the hip pain predates the shoulder by about a year. My PS-RAP affirms repeatedly that my hip is, like the shoulder, struggling with psychic trauma, not physical injury. In recent times it has been much diminished from what it once was and is now insignificant in comparison to the shoulder, although still uncomfortable.
With the pain still floating only in those two joints, moving around and changing intensity, what to do next? My own practices, which I had hoped would clear the issues, weren’t sufficient. By chance (synchronicity?) I was introduced via a friend to an energy healer (who I will designate going forward as ‘MC’) and whom the PS-RAP confirmed was appropriate for me to work with. Thus I went and discovered someone totally amazing. On about the fourth treatment MC astounded me by asking me ‘Were you sexually assaulted when you were a child?’ She did energy work around that blockage, as she calls them. It was powerful and I felt a lot of relief. And, unfortunately, still not a complete clean bill of shoulder and hip health.
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The Energy Work Continues and The Somatic Experiences Have Been Astounding
That healing process of integration of actions-words-thoughts has been continuing with a recent accelerated and amazing transformation of my physical body with the assistance of MC, the reflexologist-massage-therapist-energy healer. (For anyone interested in her amazing ability, please comment and I’ll connect you.) My mind and body have not ever felt more alive, resilient, energised and joyous with a deep feeling of a wordless cellular ecstasy that comes with simply being freely alive. Not even when I was a child, with a kyphotic back before the age ten, have I felt this alive.
And there have been measurable somatic changes, including a measured increase in muscle mass, strength and resilience. And I have even experienced and seen the shedding of some interesting fish-like crystalline ’scales’ come out from my back.
That crystal-scale shedding happened twice and has been accompanied with a wonderful feeling of expanded liberation in my mid-upper kyphotic spine which is now significantly straightened. And friends have commented on how much my posture has changed to be more upright into integrity.
In 2014 that curved back was so bad I was told by a chiropractor ‘Do not ever lay on your back on the floor without a pillow under your head’. I had gone to him because my right shoulder and neck had almost completely frozen for the first time in my life. Up until then I wasn’t able to turn my head much: my neck was frozen although without discomfort other than the inability to look over my shoulders. It turns out that the highly respected and praised yogic corpse pose, savasana, that I had begun to do on a near daily basis beginning a few months earlier with my commencement of yoga, had pinched my neck nerves because of the backwards bend needed by my neck to allow my head to touch the floor. Now, eight years later and with a much straighter and still straightening back, it is interesting that the brilliant chiropractor hadn’t suggested to me that there are exercise practices that can and do straighten kyphotic backs. For example, see Matt’s Kyphotic Back Fix. And now corpse pose isn’t jeopardising my neck health.
So Terry, do you remember those days that you had me walking around like a circus freak with a broom stick handle hooked within the crook of my elbows across my back in a vain effort to straighten me up? How old was I? Ten, at the most? Yes, at the age of ten my body was in such a mess that my back was hunched over enough to be cast as Quasimodo while, at the same time, I was unable to bend forward enough to reach much below my knees. I remember being embarrassed and shamed by what you did with that stick and also by the struggle I had to tie my skate laces when I played organised hockey in full gear. I remember the wonder and envy of my teammates whose body’s seemed to easily bend and move. As I write this the feeling of it is coming up strongly, the kind of panic and loss of breath I felt at the struggle to tie my skate laces in public.
Where did all that constriction come from in a young child?
Unbound Devouring Mothers Abound
When I began to resurrect this epistle after having started it five months ago I had a pretty clear idea of how it was to go. Not anymore. That has been totally overturned with my being prompted to look more closely at the hypocritical voice of your mother and my antipathy towards her. I mentioned her in the first epistle to you. It turns out that that quick reference was likely my unconscious creating an initial poke through a blindness or unfelt aversion I had towards wondering why I had such an aversion. For as much of my childhood as I can remember I had total, complete and utter contempt, even disgust, for her.
With hindsight I see that that was likely masking something akin to hatred. Again, why? And why in all this inner ‘shadow’ work I’ve done over the years hadn’t I wondered at why I would share, from time to time, the degree of contempt I had for her and thoughtlessly, facilely, write it off to her hypocritical platitudes and chronic broken promises?
What happened to change my pattern of blindness? The extreme discomfort continued and expanded after working with MC! That has been a recent development in the last three weeks as I continue to heal the trauma-rift created mostly by your narcissist devouring mother energy and behaviours. Earlier I had glibly hoped that all of my traumatic somatic symptoms had evolved from you because then it would be relatively easy, in theory, to release that energy of contraction and restriction from my body.
So, three weeks ago, as has been happening for three months now, a still somewhat painful shoulder once again meets MC. This time something different happens. MC calmly asserted that if the pain in my shoulder had had a physical cause she would have been able to heal it by then. I confirmed with her that my own PS-RAP says the same thing. And to me that is confirmed by the changing levels of pain and immobility which, if they were sourced from a physical trauma or injury, would be far far less inconsistent. Since the initial presentation of this shoulder pain about three years ago my process has repeatedly assured me that the discomfort is a manifestation of stuck trauma-energy originated in my childhood and infancy. At this point that has become relatively trite and has not advanced the healing significantly. Some, and yet, there it is, stuck in the shoulder with me.
And after the massage session MC asked, out of the blue, as far as I was concerned, ‘What about your grandmother?’ Since beginning the treatment with MC I hadn’t once mentioned that person. I actually laughed and asked ‘Why would you even ask that?’ ‘I felt something in your shoulder and that gave rise to an image or impression of your grandmother.’ After my laughter stopped, I felt that resonance of truth, that aha feeling when a flaccid mind-truth actually aligns with powerful somatic truth. On the spot I did the PS-RAP and sure enough my body assured me that my abhorrent grandmother’s energy was in my shoulder too.
That Annoying Gnawing Wolf in Grandma’s Clothing
Now what to do with that information? That night I did a deep dive into the details of my contempt for my grandmother and found myself suspecting, then having my body confirm with PS-RAP, that she had sexually assaulted me too. What?!! Note: I have no idea or remembrance of that assault, if it happened. What I have is my body telling me, in two different ways, that it happened: by its past tortured immobility and stiffness that I described as being that of what I saw with Krishnamurti. Read
“Reality Is Not Truth”’
And by my own PS-RAP. And, it is suggested by how my healing has not advanced with my focus on my direct maternal based assaults.
I Wake to the Narcissistic Woke of Mother-Sets of Orgasmic Freudian Kinsey Sexual Misopaedia§
§Misopaedia: child hatred to represent the sexual assault on children, and to align its actuality as a word-energy with ‘misogyny’, ‘misandry’, and ‘misanthropy’. This aligns the word with the action, as distinct from ‘paedophila’, ‘child love’ which as it is used is a total lie.
If you haven’t noticed, Terry, sex was big in our family experience. Actually that is like describing to a blind person that a blue whale is big. I’ll do a short review of the sexualised energy of our household that may, in some ways, predate the indoctrination sexualised energy that has invaded the grade school systems. It is to be noted that the sexualization of young children via school was one of the key things that the famous and much lauded liberating sex-hero Alfred Kinsey wanted to see happen. I’m pretty sure that I remember his famous book or books in our household or perhaps in the household of your parents within which I spent significant amounts of time. (Note: I’ve linked to Wikipedia’s biography of Kinsey to allow for first hand experience of Wikipedia as a reliable source of whitewashing criminals who promote the sexualisation of children. I’ve included a small Wikipedia citation below the more detailed biographical citation of Kinsey’s misopaedic sources and intentions.)
Before I begin this washing out of the family laundry here in substack let me say that our indoctrination into perfect ‘children’ by you, Terry, was so successful that our extended family, the school teachers and the church members all held us up as the seriously perfect family and praised you for being a wonder woman. Our poor cousins were constantly berated for not being like us!
And as I’m working through what to write the question comes up about the ‘morality’ of airing your life in a public forum. Even my stuff is rather harsh. I thought for a while about how to rationalise going against what had been very deeply indoctrinated in us by you, and the culture, to keep our mouths tightly clamped and speak only falsehoods that would earn you the accolades you basked in and to keep us safe from society and, I now realise, to keep society asleep to truth of us.
My thoughts meandered a bit and for a short while I was lost down into that indoctrinated morass of falsehood being more moral than truth before I realised that it was rationalisation and secrets and lies that created eugenics, the Holocaust, vaccines, JFK, 9/11 and recently covid and climate change. I won’t participate anymore in hiding the truth about my life. And I have embraced what may be Gautama’s most powerful realisation, dependent co-arising. My lies are the universe I create and similarly truth is the universe I create. The former expands suffering by creating restriction and the latter reduces suffering by creating freedom and with it appropriate eccentric action. It is truth that provides the path away from the imprisonment of lies which are the core of ideology and indoctrination.
My life includes you, and your mother. It includes my siblings and cousins. Actually, it includes the world and I am intent to free my arm and hip from their constriction and pain with the truth of my life, a life that is by existence interdependent with all life on the planet. I have decided, I have chosen, to not woke myself asleep with the fear of offending people at the expense of truth. That is what you did to me and what the cabal are attempting to do to us in the time of covid. Truth is not to be avoided.
And now I can laugh, rolling on the ground because that sure sounds like a rationalisation to me! To you too!? Yes, language is a serious challenge and something to be treated with care and love. Is what I’m doing loving, here? A form of loving rationalisation, that comes from the heart-mind of wisdom, truth and integrity as opposed to the fear-mind of self-aggrandisement, lies and constrictive manipulations and machinations? LoL! Undoubtedly I am rationalising when I rationalise that which aligns with truth and integrity. And yet that rationalisation is not contributing to double-speak and the abuse of language and with that the ability for false words to expand abuse and suffering.
Now to Get Down in the Dirt, the Dirt And Shit Which is What Grows Life
Before your help with losing my virginity, when I was 18, I was so emasculated I was unable to talk to females. Concomitantly the pressure to have sex to set me ‘free’ into I have no idea what, now, was so strong that I was quite literally insane with thinking that my only options for sexual release were incest with my sisters or rape of strangers. Am I exaggerating? In early 2023 sister number two said to me one day, out of the blue, ‘Guy, I want to commend you on not having sex with us! I don’t know how you didn’t do it. I knew that that was going to happen. It was only a matter of time. How did you not do it?’ I don’t know how I didn’t, actually, beyond the inner knowing that that was wrong wrong wrong.
Sister number one doesn’t remember that energy when I asked her about it. And she described how you had completely desexualised her! After she said that, I remembered that! Sister number one was a kind of female eunuch who could never be a mother, would be a perfect candidate for ‘rent-a-babies’ and would only be a friend to males because she was sexless.
You assigned roles to all of us, to a greater or lesser extent. Me and number one had the tightest role assignments, with number two lesser and number three the least. Number three was really simply a kind of bullied scapegoat by her three older siblings as we had become marionette mouth pieces of you. Sisters one and two and me all apologised to number three, independently of each other and without knowing we had or were going to do it. Number three is so badly indoctrinated — she was outnumbered four to one after all — that she doesn’t understand what we apologised for.
And, as I write that, I realise that in a way that you having set me up and my ex-Aunt — the somewhat recent divorcée of an uncle — for sex to end my virginity was a lesser form of insanity that allowed me to back away from your induced insanity-abyss and eventually leave you with the ex-aunt as described in epistle #1. And then I spent the next 40 years recovering from you and, as I recently learned, your mother too!
I remember at the age of twelve or so you were talking about the pros and cons of incest with your husband. I don’t remember which side got the thumbs up, although my suspicion is that the pros won because you were a long lived participant of incest with your oldest brother and that that incest lasted well into your thirties.
You left the four of us when we were from the age of ten to six for several weeks. Why? To go and openly have sex in Calgary outside of your marriage. I think that it was a so-called open marriage. Because Claude worked days and nights we were left to fend for ourselves and then were criticised by both Claude and your mother for eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the wrong time at night. There really wasn’t any other food often times.
There is quite a bit more, of course, various men here and there including a landlord as a kind of married john to cover the rent. An image has stayed in my mind of the very large drawing that hung on a wall of a nude woman with a fully splayed open vulva. Seriously, what was with that? As I write that I wonder if that was part of the idea that exposing children to overt adult sexuality, á là Kinsey, would create sexually un-indoctrinated children free from sexual hangups. How woke was that idiotic logic back in the 1970s?!
Now, with my having been waking up to the horrific reality of the sexualisation of children in various ways and with various techniques of brainwashing the adults, the energy of that drawing reminds me of some the art proudly hung by John Podesta of tortured and sexualised children.
And do you remember when out of the blue you called for me to come to you for some reason? That action of calling me into the bathroom was very unusual. So much so I don’t remember another time that you did that. I walked into the bathroom with an uncomfortable feeling and then I found you naked in the bath tub. I am sure you were inviting me to have sex. I turned around without a word and left the bathroom. The incident, if that is what I am safe to call it, was not discussed subsequently. Shortly after that you successfully convinced the ex-aunt to have sex with me and I went along with that for the reason, I began to see within a few years of leaving, that it had saved my life and moved me away from criminally expressed insanity and/or familial immorality.
Sister number two describes how you began to pimp her for money to help pay the rent at some point. That was after I left. She refused and shortly after that she left from your grip too.
You and sex were everywhere with pretty much anything that had viable penis.
Your Humanity and the Evil of Good Intentions
Freud and sex. Kinsey and sex. Freud lied about the rape and death of children in the Paris morgue where he had interned in order to maintain his professional accreditation after he became a doctor. That was a wink and a nudge for the society to continue its physical, sexual and fatal assaults on children. See The Assault on Truth: Freud's Suppression of the Seduction Theory by Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson.
What about Kinsey revolutionising the liberalisation of sex and out and out advocating the rape of children as healthy? Was that what you and your mother were doing with me? Rationalising your sexual assaults against me so that in the future I might experience the true joy of uninhibited sex? Again, a weird woke logic. I assure you, that it did not actually work and not surprisingly has taken me forty-plus years of effort to assemble some kind of recovery from my pretty much total emasculation. And all that followed, of course, after the medical assault on my body called circumcision.
And I do wonder about my sisters. Numbers three and four and I don’t talk. Number two talks and she hasn’t described that coming up during her years of various treatments. Number one hasn’t said anything either, beyond her fiancé at the time standing up to you and basically calling you out as sociopathic with sexual obsession. She also described watching a video on cults one time and realising that what she was watching was our family as your sex cult.
Alfred Kinsey and the Rationalisation of Sexually Assaulting Children as Creating Freedom
Now I’ll supply something of Kinsey’s roots and his contribution to the sexual traumatisation of children, families and society. And his place in the insanity of schools sexualising children. And for the curious, as mentioned above, I suggest reading at least part of the Wikipedia whitewash of Kinsey and the listing of awards he was receiving still into 2012! Citation and link below.
But the most troubling aspects of the two Kinsey reports – “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” and “Sexual Behavior in the Human Female” – concern the ways in which they have affected children… both directly, by means of the abuse they sanctioned and encouraged, and indirectly, by means of their effects on modern sex education [and on the family].
Kinsey used so-called ‘data’ collected by predatory pedophiles to support his predetermined conclusion that humans are sexual from birth. In the Yorkshire Television documentary “Kinsey’s Paedophiles,” both authorized Kinsey biographer Jonathan Gathorne-Hardy and Kinsey co-author Paul Gebhard told interviewers that the point of Kinsey’s books was to convince the public that human beings are sexual from birth.
Predatory pedophiles – with Kinsey’s blessings and encouragement – kept detailed diaries of their crimes, timed their molestations of children as young as infancy with stopwatches (in sessions lasting as long as 24 hours in some cases), and turned over all of their “observations” to Kinsey, who in turn presented this information as science in his “Male” and “Female” volumes.[2]
…
Violence As “Science”
Chapter 5 of “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” presented a detailed discussion of male childhood sexuality, and, according to Kinsey biographer James H. Jones, “much of this chapter was based on materials [pedophiles] presented.”[3] Jones continues, “[T]he text and charts suggested that infants less than a year old had been stimulated [read: ‘molested’] and observed for as long as an hour at a stretch; four-year-olds for as many as twenty-four hours.”[4]
In “Kinsey’s Paedophiles,” Jones states: “Kinsey … gives pretty graphic descriptions of [children’s] response[s] to what he calls sexual stimulation. If you read those words, what he’s talking about is kids who are screaming, kids who are protesting in every way they can the fact that their bodies … are being violated.”
But Kinsey defined children’s expressions of pain and struggle as “orgasms.” Specifically, he defined “violent convulsion,” “violent arm and leg movements,” “weeping,” “sobbing, or more violent cries, sometimes with an abundance of tears (especially among younger children),” “fight[ing],” “extreme trembling, collapse, loss of color, and sometimes fainting” as evidence of orgasm.[5] “[S]ome … suffer excruciating pain and may scream” during so-called orgasm, according to Kinsey.[6]
“Children gasping for breath, sobbing, screaming in pain, fainting, and desperately struggling to fight off the assailants Kinsey dignified as ‘partners’ – these were descriptions of hapless victims,” writes Jones.[7] But Kinsey insisted that “adult males who have had sexual contacts with younger boys … are able to recognise and interpret the boys’ experiences.”[8]
One critic, however, noted what should have been obvious: “Looking to sexual molesters for information on childhood sexuality is like drawing conclusions on the sexuality of adult females from the testimony of rapists.”[9]
Kinsey Institute associate John Gagnon stated that “A less neutral observer than Kinsey would have described these events as sex crimes[.]”[10]
…
And while he admitted that ‘some 80 percent of the children had been emotionally upset or frightened by their contacts with adults,’ he likened the level of their fright to how youngsters typically reacted to ‘insects, spiders, or other objects against which they have been adversely conditioned.’
‘If a child were not culturally conditioned,’ he observed, ‘it is doubtful if it would be disturbed by sexual approaches[.]’ … His definition of harm in young girls … exclude[d] ‘a very few cases of vaginal bleeding,’ which, he insisted, ‘did not appear to do any appreciable damage.’ [22]
Jones notes that it was Kinsey’s hatred of traditional morality that led him to “take a benign view of child molestation and incest.”[23] Kinsey was indeed “blind to the coercion inherent in any sexual contact between an adult and a child.”[24]
An Insidious Legacy
Kinsey’s ideas about children’s alleged sexuality have, tragically, infected our contemporary culture, particularly in the area of sex education. This was part of Kinsey’s plan. According to Jones, “Kinsey sensed an opportunity to use sex education to advance his private war against traditional morality. … He was eager to transform his hidden war against Victorian morality into a socially acceptable public crusade.”[25]
(“Built On Sand: Alfred Kinsey Got ‘Research’ From Nazi Molester, Whitewashed Crimes Against Children” by Bettina Di Fiore July 17, 2023. Go to web-page for footnote references. My slight edit in square brackets and emphasis.)
Wikipedia Whitewash
In 2012, Kinsey was inducted into the Legacy Walk in Chicago, an outdoor public display which celebrates LGBT history and people.[66]
In June 2019, Kinsey was one of the inaugural fifty American "pioneers, trailblazers, and heroes" inducted on the National LGBTQ Wall of Honor within the Stonewall National Monument (SNM) in New York City's Stonewall Inn.[67][68] The SNM is the first U.S. national monument dedicated to LGBTQ rights and history,[69] and the wall's unveiling was timed to take place during the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots.[70]
Denouement
Not a conclusion. The great news is that this process has taken the pain almost completely away from hip and shoulder. I am more free than I have been in three years. And for now I consider that to be my version of a great reset. With more mini-resets to come as I take my steps towards optimal health, our body’s natural state.
Thank you for reading.
Manga: 11 Panel Thumbnail Storyboard of Key Elements in the Early Days of Guy
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Song of the Essay
No lyrics, today. A short koan-like poem instead, courtesy Rachel Broughten of Flower Mountain Zen.
A Double Rapture
by Anna Swir
Because
there is
no me
and because
I feel
how much
there is
no me.
What a brave post, Guy. You are intent on facing your childhood trauma. When you first stated your certainty that you'd been molested, I felt some reserve. And then when you told the details of the times you DID remember, that reserve dissipated. I'm sure you're right.
I remember Kinsey as a revered name in psychology. I had no idea of his real nature and lack of ethics. It's all making more sense now. Maybe this is Conspiracy Theorist Level 17. Thank you for enlightening me.
Heaven help me! Eddie's P_ _ _ _?!
You have to be kidding me. Didn't you mean KING Eddie's ... "
Wa hahahahawwwww! ¡Tu, perro!